I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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