her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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