As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize