Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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