You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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