I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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