That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
