She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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