Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
