Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
