Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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