Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
