Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
