Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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