When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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