I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
