??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just found puke in my bra..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
