Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
