god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
