Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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