Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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