you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
