I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
