billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
