new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sext me about skeletons
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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