I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
