I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
