I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
