I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
