Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
