Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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