You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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