Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
