one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
