He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
