I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
