i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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