Screwed.edu
where am i from again
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
