theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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