so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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