just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
