If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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