Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
