my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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