I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
