He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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