I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize