theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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