I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
