Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
