At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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