____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
