There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
