i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
