My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
