i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize