I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
